It’s a topic that people don’t really talk about, infertility. For some reason it’s a “taboo” subject, yet so many people go through it. So why am I sharing my personal struggle? This isn’t a pity post…it’s not a “woe is me” moment. I want to share my story to help others going through a similar situation. Looking back at the last few years, having people I could relate to made my journey so much more bearable. Now I know the way that I got pregnant might go against some peoples’ morals, but I’m ok with not everyone approving….I am finally pregnant and happy to shout it from the rooftops!
Anyone that knows me would tell you I’m a strong girl. I’m happy and positive about 90% of the time. And while I wear my heart on my sleeve, I never want sympathy. I simply brush off anything that has happened to me as no big deal. But after years of heartache, I finally reached a breaking point. I remember visiting our close friends in Michigan last fall. When the topic of pregnancy came up, I cracked. I broke down and cried to them. Not just watering of the eyes, I’m talking big fat rolling down your face tears. After years of telling people I’m fine, I finally realized it’s OK to let your friends in on your problems.
So how did I get to this point? About three years ago I went in for a routine exam. A few days later I was in the hospital for surgery, missing parts of my ovaries due to massive cysts. The recovery was a long and painful process: 6 weeks at home recovering and complications ever since. Our doctor thought we should start trying to get pregnant, so I went on fertility drugs. No luck. I have had a surgery every year following because my body just doesn’t want to heal. So on top of chronic pain, I was having trouble getting pregnant.
It’s funny…you spend so many years worrying about getting pregnant, I never thought in a million years that I would have trouble when I was ready. But month after month, that pregnancy test came back negative. And every month, my heart sank a little deeper. It became such a routine—I’m probably one of the few people that actually clip coupons for ovulation kits and pregnancy tests! (Yes, I’m a frugal shopper!!!)
Over the years I went through a roller coaster of emotions. It started out as frustration, then I started taking pity on myself. Why did God deal me this hand? So many nights I would lie awake as Ryan was sleeping next to me, sobbing in the dark. I was meant to be a mother, so why wasn’t it happening. I would cry because I didn’t understand why I was the one chosen to have never ending health problems. I would cry because of the financial burden of ongoing hospital bills. I would cry because I felt like no one understood. I would cry because I felt empty. I had a wonderful husband, a dog we treated as our child, yet I still felt all alone and empty, sinking further and further into a deep pit of sorrow.
And let me tell you, Facebook is not a place to be if you’re struggling to get pregnant. I’m in my 30’s, so just about everyday, an acquaintance was posting their wonderful news. Every time I saw a post like that, it was a blow to my gut. I would turn red in frustration and tear up. I’m not a person that gets jealous, but deep down I was. It is such an amazing moment in life…getting to share your pregnancy with your friends. And while I was genuinely SO happy for all of those people, I would cry because it wasn’t me. I’m not proud of that. I was secretly jealous, feeling like such a bad person. With years of trying, even my close friends would fear having to tell me their exciting news…And that would break my heart.
Last summer, our doctor told us he thought we had an 8-10% chance of getting pregnant on our own. Rather than going through each option of fertility treatments, he thought it was best to go straight to IVF. So we signed up in the fall and had a few months of anticipation. It was an exciting time, knowing that we finally would have a decent shot, but it was also a time of anger for me. I had already spent tens of thousands of dollars on medical bills and surgery, only to find out my insurance does not cover fertility treatment. WHY?!?! So, after hearing wonderful news that IVF might work, we have to scrounge up $10,000-$15,000 to pay for it? People get pregnant everyday by accident and couples who are not trying end up with an “oops” child. Yet, I’m someone who longed to have a child and had to pay thousands of dollars just to try. It didn’t make sense…it still doesn’t. The part that made me even more angry is that I live in a state where it is mandated that insurance companies cover the cost of fertility treatment. But, there are enough loopholes that most companies don’t end up paying.
Ryan and I began IVF at the beginning of the year. I won’t bore you with the details, but I can tell it is an emotionally trying and sometime painful process. You don’t just pay up and instantly have a child. I gave myself daily shots, my hormones went through the roof and I went through a lot of pain…not to mention, the stress of whether it would work or not. Needless to say, we were SO lucky. I am pregnant with triplets from our first round. So many couples go through it time and time and get with no luck. I had the best experience at the SIU fertility clinic in Springfield. Dr. Loret de Mola works magic. Plus his staff made my husband and I feel like we were all family.
As I write my story, tears are rolling down my face as I think back at all of the heartache over the years. But every time I see the babies heartbeats, those tears slowly turn to tears of joy. So what’s the moral of the story? I may be missing parts of my ovaries and have tubes that are blocked, but look at me..I’m pregnant. Even what seems to be impossible can happen.
If you’re reading this and have gone through a similar situation, there are ways to get help. There are grants out there for financial help, as well as support groups. Just send me an email and I would be happy to help! Also, as I mentioned on the news, next week is “Advocacy Day”. It’s a day where thousands of people will bring up the issue of infertility to Congress and raise awareness about the need for accessible medical treatment. Just click this link to the organization “Resolve” for more information. www.resolve.org
This was first published on my Skry’s the Limit blog at www.wandtv.com on May 5, 2013.