Being in my mid-30’s, I’m in prime “baby mode”. My Facebook feed fills up with friends sharing their children with the world. So naturally, there are plenty of first birthday posts and pictures. Many have big celebrations with themes and gorgeous cakes and favors to match. Even my brother had a massive 1st birthday for my niece last year. And why not? While the kids won’t remember their first party, it’s a wonderful way to celebrate the miracle of a child with friends and family. With the first year just about under my belt, I can say all parents and kids deserve a celebration! Parenthood is TOUGH. It is filled with so much love and joy, but there are many sleepless nights and the so-called “witching hour”, complete with tears and screams. And in my case, countless hours of pumping and nursing (hundreds of hours to be exact). So yes, parents deserve a party just as much as their babies!
I mentioned Peyton’s birthday in last week’s blog and I got so many wonderful responses. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on her first birthday and ways to remember Parker and Abby. So many good ideas that brought me to tears as I think about how many strangers care so much about my family. While part of me wants to have a huge celebration, I think a quiet weekend with the birthday girl is going to be perfect. Peyton is still getting used to being in public places and around other people, so I think that a party could overstimulate her. And deep down, I think I need it to be a quiet weekend. So many people have told me that it’s important to celebrate life and celebrate all three of my babies’ birthday…and I will. But as a parent of two angels, I need time to grieve as well. While I’d love to tell you Peyton’s birthday weekend will be all smiles and laughs and baby babble, I’d be lying. I’m tearing up just thinking about next weekend. You see, I’m picturing the day before her birthday and the moment I knew something was wrong. The moment when my doctor told me I was in labor and they would do everything to stop it….that my children are most likely too young to survive if they were born then. I am beyond proud of Peyton and all that she has achieved. She is the epitome of a miracle and I find myself just staring at her in awe. But that doesn’t take away the pain I feel over Parker and Abby. Their deaths are still so fresh to me. And after hearing from other parents who have experienced the heartache of burying their children, grief will most likely be with me for quite awhile.
So, what do we plan on doing? Unfortunately we don’t have any family who live in town, and our parents are unable to make the trip to Springfield, so we’ll spend a quiet weekend at home with Miss P. I love the idea of planting a tree or a butterfly bush in memory of my kids, so that’s something we will probably do. But most importantly, the weekend will be about Peyton. As time goes on, I don’t want her growing thinking the day is a sad one. Her birthday needs to be a big celebration, we’ll just put that off for this first year. Of course we’ll do a cake and let her smash and destroy it! And I can guarantee that the occasion will be our “Monday Morning Cuteness”! But as I have pondered what to do over the last few months, I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter, as long as the three of us (and Riley) are together. I’m taking a couple of days off of work to be with Peyton and because I know it’s a time when I will just want to be home hugging my family, instead of anchoring the news.
After Abby and Parker passed away, Ryan and I decided that we’ll separate the days. Even though Abby passed away on their birthday, we want Peyton to have reason to celebrate every year. So months ago, we decided that the day Parker died (August 16th) will be “Heaven’s Day” or their “Angel-versary”. Each year, we’ll make it a special day where we all pay tribute to Peyton’s siblings and do something special for them. I think we’ll take everyone’s suggestions of releasing butterflies. And I’d love to someday start a charity or find a way to give back. I just don’t want my beautiful children to be forgotten. So whether that means we visit the Nicu with gifts for other children, or take on random acts of kindness to help others, we’ll find a way to keep their memory alive for years to come. More on that in the coming months!
The princess deserves to be spoiled this month and she sure is in the form of gifts from friends, family, even thoughtful viewers and strangers. She is having a blast opening them, but seems to be more interested in the wrapping paper right now. She had a “diva” moment when I tried to take it away from her!
I’ll leave you with a few pictures of her in the nursery. I try to take a picture of her every morning before I leave for work. My favorite picture is of her glancing off to the side. What you don’t see is the wall she is staring at. It holds the three shadow boxes, one each for Abby, Peyton and Parker. She loves to stare at them and look at the pictures. My heart skips a beat every time I see her checking them out.
If you missed my Facebook picture, Peyton and Riley have quite the relationship. In addition to being BFF’s, they really like to share kisses. Of all of the things Peyton could learn, the first thing she has mastered in the form of mimicking is to stick out her tongue like Riley does! That’s usually his cue to lick her. Quite hilarious, though probably not the most sanitary…
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[…] even close to crawling or making any noises. Because it was an emotional time for my family, we decided not to do a big celebration. This was one of many “firsts” for us: the first Christmas, first Mother’s Day […]
Thanks for the new post and I believe that a butterfly bush would be wonderful cause that was your sign that they are okay. Hug Peyton tight and enjoy the time together. Give her lots of hugs from all your viewers and hugs to you as well. Enjoy the week-end and looking forward to the new post next week
Love reading your posts.I too like the butterfly bush.I love seeing pics Of Peyton and had to laugh about the kisses.
Hugs from IL
jane
Planting a butterfly bush is an awesome idea. Tell Miss Peyton Hi!
I so look forward to your posts… Peyton is such a blessing and so precious. Happy Birthday to her, memories are being made…planting a bush, tree or flower is a wonderful way to celebrate.
Another idea of something to plant, I’m sure you’ve received many ideas. But, Lilly of the valley which are a small dainty white bell shaped flower and or Babies breath. Was just a thought.
Many hugs to Ms. Peyton and her family…
Great idea Joyce! Thanks!
Give her a hug and kiss from her friend in Texas for her birthday. She is just a doll.
Will do Norma, thanks!
Happy Birthday weekend Princess P. Stacey it sounds like you have picked the perfect way to celebrate!
I like the Butterfly bush idea. tell miss Peyton Happy 1st. Birthday. may god bless all of your family.
Happy Birthday Peyton and her Angel siblings who watch over her, Mommy, and Daddy every minute of the day!!! Oh and Riley too!! Enjoy your time together.
Your birthday plans are great. Happy Birthday Peyton!
Happy Birthday Peyton! May you have many many more happy Birthdays to come. Thanks for the blog again. Love reading about her and where she is today. She is an awesome little girl.
Happy Birthday Peyton. I hope you have a special headband for your birthday celebration. You look so very cute in them
Peyton have a happy birthday
You Linda
The butterfly bush is a wonderful memorial idea. When my neice passed at 25 my sister planted one and she seemed to think that some of the butterflies that visitedwere sent to help ease her heartache….It also gave her many hours of enjoyment and peace of mind….May you enjoy all your memories and your precious angel on earth….Give Peyton hugs from all of us…..
I lost my husband almost 4 years ago. I put a small angel statue in my flower bed. It brings me comfort surrounded by beautiful flowers. Your babies will never be forgotten! Happy Birthday Peyton!
Happy Birthday Peyton, you have been a very special person to me. I look forward to Monday morning pictures. Stacey enjoy the special weekend any way you feel is best. God Bless all of you.
Happy Birthday Miss P! Sending lots of (((HUGS))) for the entire family and praying for God’s Joy to fill your hearts during this time of Earthly and Heavenly celebration! <3
She is so adorable. Thank you for keeping us updated.
she adorable as usual cant believe its going that fast that will be a blessing and great celebration with you both that’s all peyton really needs
Stacy I pray for your family to find comfort my family lost 3 loved ones last year all within 5 months I lost my brother my mom lost a son.. I want you to know I feel your pain and I will always have a prayer sent above for you ur husband Payton Parker and abby.
I am also a mom of triplets…one here and 2 in heaven. My survivor just turned 2 but everything in your post reminded me of his first birthday last year. We did the exact same thing. It was just us with cake and a couple presents and a balloon release. For us, it was perfect. That week was so hard because you bounce around between happy memories and awful ones. It is exhausting. This year wasn’t much better for me but at least I knew what to expect. I knew that as soon as the anniversary of the last “hard day” passed, I could start to feel more normal again. We also separated and combined the angel days from their birthday. Our Macie passed away on March 26, the babies were born on April 1, and Ellie passed away on April 5. We decided to have our special day for our girls be on Easter each year. We figured it will always be close to the important dates and it is the perfect holiday to teach our son about his sisters in heaven. Good luck these next several days and weeks. I hope you feel close to your sweet angels.