I try not to take the “woe is me” approach in life. I’ve been through a lot, and so has my family, though I try to keep up my positive attitude. But some days, it’s easier said than done. Lately, I’ve been going through a roller coaster of emotions; a reminder that grief has no timeline.
Simply put, I miss my children. I go through these waves of grief every few months. I see other parents of multiples and I get sad, even a bit jealous. I watch Peyton and imagine what she would be doing with her two built in best friends. As I watch her play by herself, I get teary eyed. Is she lonely? And sometimes I feel guilty. I can’t play with her every hour of the day. In the mornings, I need to get ready for work. In the evenings, Ryan and I are fixing dinner and getting things ready for the next day. There are some moments in the day when Peyton is stuck entertaining herself and it’s then when I feel so sad. But luckily, she doesn’t know any different. She’s an independent and mischievous girl, so I often try to remind myself that Peyton will be OK without her brother and sister here on earth.
Miss P is doing great at nearly 17 months old. She’s up to 19lbs and has a whole mouthful of teeth trying to break through. She’s on the move, even climbing up stairs and pulling up on EVERYTHING! We recently had a meeting with her therapists, who say she’s at around a 10 month development level. Sure, it gets frustrating. I look at videos and pictures of other children her age and they are all excelling at speech and movement. Peyton still hasn’t mustered up a “mama” or “dada” or taken a single step. Yet, here are all of these toddlers who seem light years ahead. While those kids are talking, playing patty cake and running around their house, we’re busy working on little things with P…getting her to release an object from her hand or keeping her legs together as she crawls.
And while it can be frustrating that my child isn’t progressing as quickly as others, I’ve learned to embrace every moment. As I’ve said before, Peyton is the definition of a miracle. According to science, she probably shouldn’t be alive. Yet she’s thriving and ahead of the game when it comes to what doctors ever expected of my 22 weeker. There’s no need for me to compare my child to others. I remind myself often that kids develop at their own pace. Some don’t speak for ages, other might not walk until much later than their peers. So, I’m done complaining. I’ve put the “woe is me” attitude in the closet for now. I’m so lucky to have even one survivor and she can take as long as she likes to reach those developmental milestones. After all, she’s the boss…and she obviously has mom and dad (and her thousands of fans) wrapped around her tiny little preemie finger!
One last note before I sign off. It’s another reason why I’ve been so emotional lately. This week, Ryan and I will once again share our story during a radiothon for the Children’s Miracle Network in Springfield, Illinois. Last year, Peyton was chosen as a “miracle child” and we were thrilled to join the CMN family. It’s a pretty special group to be a part of and Peyton is in wonderful company with other amazing children from our area. I’m not shy with our story, but of course, it brings out the tears. St. John’s Hospital is doing a patient profile article about our family for an upcoming magazine and I was recently interviewed for it. I burst out into sobs as I answered some of the questions; the rush of memories coming as quickly as the tears rolling down my face. It’s not painful to remember the tragedy we went through. It’s all part of who we have become and it will always be part of Peyton’s life. She’s our beautiful rainbow at the end of the storm. And while my heart aches at the thought of Parker and Abby and their short lives, my heart also swells with pride when I think of my triplets and the fighters they are.
If you haven’t seen the Children’s Miracle Network video that was made about our family, click the link. It was recorded just as Peyton came home from the hospital last year. Oh–and grab a tissue, it’s powerful, heartbreaking and beautiful, all at the same time.
The Skrysak’s CMN Video
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Hi Miss P!!! Give Mommy lots of hugs…oh don’t forget Daddy!!
You are amazing parents.Peyton is so lucky to have you.She is growing up to be a strong little ladie
Hugs from Il
jane
My surviving triplet is 2 1/2 and I still have all of the same thoughts as you do. I too worry that he is lonely and wonder every day what trouble he would be causing with his sisters. He is also still very behind in speech. He has 2 words and a handful of signs that he uses. Even though I try hard not to, I find myself comparing him to his friends and feeling discouraged. When that happens, I look at old pictures and remember how far he has already come. I find so much inspiration from your blog. You often put into words exactly what I have felt in my own journey.
Miss P – give your Mommy extra special tight hugs and kisses right now. She is needing you as much as you need her and your Daddy. Help Mommy through these especially hard times for her – – she is so special and we all need to encourage and keep her in our happy thoughts and prayers. You all have been doing such a great job sharing your experiences and we appreciate and love you all – – Riley too!! Keep the faith little sweetie pie!! Hugs & Kisses!!!
What a beautiful, well written piece, Stacey. Sending ((( Hugs ))) to you, your hubby and Peyton.
My daughter ( my first and only child ) was born 2 days after Peyton, Parker and Abby. I have followed yours and Ryan’s story from the very beginning and look forward to it every week. While this is my first time writing a comment, I have made many comments to myself along with shed many tears while reading. Peyton is a pure miracle. While she isn’t doing everything the other kiddos are doing, she has made great strides and progress. I mean come on look at all that hair 🙂 One benefit is you will get to enjoy all the growing steps a little longer. While I too am a full-time working mom and daddy works twelve hour days five days a week, I feel like I miss so much on watching Miss Ella grow and learn and it is tough. But, it is what makes us great parents and makes us appreciate every moment we have with them. Hold your head up high, so have so much to be proud of! Hugs to you both!
All very normal thoughts of mommas and daddies of micro preemie miracles! It’s so helpful to know that we all go through these times and have these thoughts and questions! The loss of our angel babies is something that we will work through for the rest of our lives. Their absence is made more prevalent at certain times. I still feel jealous and sad and wonder “what if ” when I see multiples. Those developmental milestones do come and it is difficult to be patient for them. Like you said we are thankful for our surviving miracles! Miss P looks AMAZING!! It’s so good she is pulling up and crawling! Her smile is gorgeous! Much love to you all!
Hi Miss P. How r u doing? Give mommy and daddy extra hugs today. You are so pretty and precious n
Shes adorable as usual its ok to cry and to be sad ask the lord to give you strength everday and pray and he will
It will take a long time to not tear up with what you and your family have been through. In fact it may never come but just get easier for you. Your loss is so great, just be strong. Peyton is going to learn all the things you have mentioned and will surprise you when she’s older. You’ll be asking yourself why was I so concerned about when she learned to walk or talk. Be patient she will get there. Just love her, do your best, love your husband and be happy. Maybe don’t put yourself in a position to always tell your story next year. Just enjoy what you have and don’t dwell on what could have been. We can not change death, we can’t put it out of our mind but we can turn our self in a direction to not always be reminded. Celebrate the happy !!!
Beautifully put Elizabeth!!!
Hi Miss Peyton, you have grown up to a big 19 lb. That is great!!You have a great smile and seem so happy all the time Give Mom and Dad a special hug and kiss today. God Bless you all
Hello Peyton!!! I have been following your little miracle since day 1. I can’t even begin to imagine what you all have and are still going through on your journey. I just pray God continues to keep that ever so watchful eye on Miss P. You know she is his little Princess and he has a plan for her! The best advice I can give you as a Mother is to enjoy everyday to the fullest as they grow sooo quickly and soon you will wonder where not just the days or months have gone , but the years also! May God continue to bless and keep you! 🙂
Hi Peyton, and Peyton’s Mom and Dad,
I have been a special education specialist for the last 33 years in the public school system. I have seen, experienced, and lived with many different disabilities as an educator and parent. Please don’t loose sight of Peyton, treat her as you would any child without disabilities. Raise the bar and expect the best and Peyton will reap the rewards. You folks are on the right track, but when it comes to public schools, know the special education laws for your state, forwards and backwards, and be a advocate for your daugther’s education….Trust me, this is the best thing you can do for her education. Be well versed in special education law and to document, document and document.
Thanks Joan….good advice!
What an inspiration you are to others and God has blessed you with a sweet little one and what a miracle she is .. Thanks for share your journey with us all