I am at the age where most of my friends are having children, many on their second or third baby. So, it’s no surprise that my Facebook feed is filled with beautiful pictures of their little bundles of joy. And while I am genuinely happy as I spot their pictures, I have to be honest, a little piece of me gets jealous. I didn’t get that perfect delivery where mom and dad are smiling as they hold their newborn child. I had the complete opposite experience…no smiles, just tears as we held our baby girl while she entered the gates of Heaven.
When I went into labor at 22 weeks, 6 days, there was no birth plan in place. At that gestation, the hospital didn’t even consider my triplets viable. But, the doctors said they would give them a chance, bringing down a neonatologist and other Nicu staff. All we knew was that I would have to deliver the triplets naturally. Because they were so small, a C-section could risk the chance of me ever having more children. So early on June 23rd, I delivered my first child, Abigail. She came out kicking our OB doctor, even letting out a squeak. But unlike most new parents, I never even caught a glimpse of her before doctors whisked her away to get a decent oxygen level. Unfortunately, Abby’s lungs were too weak and she wouldn’t survive. When the doctor offered her fragile one pound body to me, I couldn’t even look at her. I was in complete shock, not fully comprehending that Abigail was about leave us. When I finally held her, we cried and stared at our beautiful little child. Her tiny nose and lips, absolutely perfect. Her angelic face now only a memory. As I think back to that day nearly two years ago, therein lies my one regret: why didn’t I take more pictures?
I don’t have many regrets in life. Even though my story is part tragedy, part miracle, I don’t regret much. I took my pregnancy seriously, going by the books and listening to everything my doctors ordered. After my triplets were born, I knew there was nothing I could do to bring back my daughter Abigail. And there was nothing I could have done differently that would allow me to be holding my son, Parker, today. I thank God every day that I had the chance to see my children alive; Abby for just a few hours and Parker for nearly two months. As for their health and Peyton’s premature struggles, I knew everything was out of my hands and I am at peace with that today.
But the one thing that nags at me, is the day they were born. I wish that I spent hours investigating every little feature. Holding Abby’s hands up to mine, counting every little toe, and whispering sweet lullabies for her to hear. And most importantly, I wish I would have taken more pictures. I look at organizations like “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep”, and I wish I knew about their services. But everything happened so fast and the thought of taking a picture was the last thing that crossed our minds. As Abby passed away, our attention turned to my other two triplets, still growing inside of me. By some miracle, Parker and Peyton stayed inside the womb for 17 more hours, allowing doctors time to give me steroids to help their lungs. So as we said goodbye to Abby, we had to think ahead and hope for a miracle that our other two children would survive. When I finally delivered P & P, I was extremely sick and there was no time for pictures. I was rushed into surgery and our two babies were rushed to the Nicu.
As the weeks passed by and we learned that Parker was ill, we didn’t hold back with the pictures. A local photographer snapped amazing photos of P & P and we began taking videos of our son, knowing that his time here on earth was limited. There will never be enough photos of our children and I wish every single day that I had more. But, I’ve learned my lesson, never hold back when it comes to capturing those memories.
Ever since our lone survivor came home from the hospital, I have snapped a picture each morning. I get Peyton fully dressed and send the grandparents the “Picture of the day”. And while I’m at work, I look back at the daily picture, smiling in awe of what Ryan and I created. We’ve been blessed with three gorgeous children. And even though I may think that we don’t have enough pictures of our angels, our memory of them works just as well. Just thinking of our precious angels keeps us smiling every single day.
***One side note: Ok, maybe I have a second regret: not making Ryan change his attire. A stained In n’ Out t-shirt is not the best look for our few pictures we have of the day our triplets were born. But it was a hectic day and there was no time to think of the camera (or think of even showering), so I forgive my handsome husband!
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There is not a mother -ever- who would not say, at the end of every single day, “there is something I could’ve done better, or differently”. It’s what we do, as moms, and it’s not fair to ourselves. It’s easy to look back and think about all the things you could have done, would have done, should have done, but you did the best you could in the time you had.
P.S. That smile on P’s face is so cute. There’s orneryness there (which is one of my favorite qualities in a person). 😉
HI!Thanks for sharing your story.My last baby was born and she was born with the cord wrapped around her heard.The dr worked to get it loose,leaving her brusied.When she came out,I felt I had caused this.I couldn`t hold her at 1st.My hubby grabbed his daughter and wouldn`t let her go.When they came to take the hospital pics I refused,I didn`t want the reminder of her blue face.She was beautiful,but the guilt was there that I caused this.Today,I wish I would have taken pics.I do have pics of her we took.She had some problems with feeding and sever jaundiced.Of course,I felt what did I do wrong?Everything tuned out ok.she had some learning disabilites etc.But she is now a beautiful 18 year old.
Thought id share this,I don`t share with many.
hugs jane
There’s never enough time with our babies. You couldn’t have explained better the emotions us moms of angels go through. Thank you for getting the word out about Now I Lay Me down To sleep too. I used there services for the first time 9 years ago and then just 15 months later had to use them again. Yet again in less than 2 weeks we will be using them again. I look back at the pictures I have of my first 2 sons and thank God for the photographer who donated their time to take pictures of us.
You got some pictures. Love them look at them. Because as a young mother of a baby of trisomy 13. I did not take any pictures of my son who passed away. I fully openly regret that everyday! I wish I had for myself & his 2 sisters. May peace & God grant you great thing in life
We can not live our life on regrets as we all have them but we move on and make the best of the experiences. Those of us that are older never had a picture of our newborns as they would not let us have a camera in the “sterile” delivery or nursery. The only pics I have are through the nursery window. When the babies came to us, everything had to be sterile also and we knew our small cameras were not sterilized. Keep the memories alive and look at the pictures you have and thank God for your beautiful healthy happy Peyton.
Your regret should not be that YOU did not take enough pictures – YOU did nothing wrong. You were in pain, in distress, worried beyond belief and had never gone through anything like that before (and hopefully, never will again.) IF you are going to have a regret it should be that the hospitals aren’t better at guiding their patients through a process like this. THEY have encountered it too many times and yet have barely improved their procedures on how to handle it. My baby died 8 hours after being born 31 years ago. They did not removed the tubes and tape from his sweet little face early enough so he was disfigured by the time I could get someone to take pictures of him for me (he was whisked away to Peoria while I was stuck in Bloomington due to my C-Section). Maybe as a public figure and an angel mom you could make it your mission to get hospitals to set up a plan for babies who are not going to be able to go home with their mom and dad?
I was JUST talking to a friend last night that is in nursing school and her specialty is going to be labor and delivery. I asked her if she knew if the hospital that she is at, always makes a point of telling the parents of the services of NILMDTS..? she said she knew they had the service but wasn’t sure if they told the parents of a angel baby automatically or not. Why we got talking about it is that a lot of funeral homes now have a service where they will take the thumbprint of a loved one that has passed or hand or foot print of a angel baby and you can then have them engraved into a medallion to wear.. a service ALOT don’t know about .. because some funeral homes can do the service but not mention it to the family of deceased.. I was suggesting that the funeral homes AND hospitals automatically tell the families of these services because to have the engraved items or photos are invaluable later!! God bless you and your family.. and for sharing your story!!!!..
You are a blessing to us all.
I really enjoyed your blog today. Miss Peyton is growing up so fast and looks so cute with her hair cut. Take as many pictures as you can as kids change so much. Love the idea of Picture of the day. God bless you all
Think we all think that. I know on several occasions I have said ” Wish I had done this different”, Wish I had known about this” and so on. think is just human nature to kind of blame ourselves even if the outcome would have been the same. I am sure you did all you could and in situation like that everything is running in fast motion. Peyton is changing so fast and getting cuter everyday. Thanks again for sharing!
Hi darling girl. You just get cuter and cuter.
There were no pictures taken of my great grand daughter who died at 6 month gestation. I will always regret that I never got to see her.
She is beginning look like daddy! She us beautiful! Hi Peyton!! Praise God each and every day. You are SO blessed.
I often wish I could go back and “edit” the memories of our son’s birth to have those happy pictures. Take out the freaked-out husband who’s sniffing back tears and reading a prayerbook and put in a husband who’s chanting cheers, such as “Chocolate, chocolate, flowers, flowers, FLOWERS, I will rub your back for HOURS!” I’ve got a post I wrote for Preemie Babies 101 to that effect, now I just wonder if they’ll ever post the thing… 🙂