Two simple words. That’s all it took for a flood of memories and grief to come rushing back. With two little words, I was brought back to June 23, 2013, the day I delivered my triplets and the day my first child died.
Our survivor, Peyton, has a special bedtime routine that includes saying hello to her brother and sister. Above her changing table hangs three shadow boxes, one for each triplet. Inside, pictures are on display, along with other hospital keepsakes from our 22 weeker micro-preemies. Peyton loves to look at the shadowboxes, and often says, “Hi Abby” and “Hi Parker”. But this night was different. As Peyton said hello to Abby, she looked closely at the picture, and then with her little voice she said, “wake up.”
How do you explain to your daughter that her identical sister will never “wake up”? How do you tell her that her sister lived for only hours, and her brother for only two months? How do I explain that we never saw Abby’s beautiful eyes because at 22 weeks they were still fused shut? In that moment, tears began to well up and a massive lump formed in my throat. My sweet child who was extremely delayed for so long, is now starting to comprehend things. And just recently, Peyton has found her voice, a quiet and beautiful sound that takes me by surprise.
I never imagined that two innocent words could be so sweet and endearing, yet so unbelievably heartbreaking. As Peyton told her sis to “wake up”, my heart swelled with pride. She remembers her brother and sister, sharing a special bond that dates back to the early days in the womb. It was at that moment when I realized we will someday have to explain to Peyton why her brother and sister are no longer here. It’s a conversation I knew would eventually come about, but never did I imagine that my survivor could be asking questions this early on in her young life.
Our two angels will always be a big part of our family and I will always be their mother. I don’t know what I’ll say when the time comes or how I’ll help Peyton understand why she is still here with us today, but I know we’ll be ready. As for those two little words, “wake up”, it’s a moment I will remember and cherish forever. Because in that moment, all my fears went away, my motherly instinct taking over. I looked at Peyton and smiled as I said, “Abby is sleeping in Heaven.” I then wrapped my arms around my precious daughter and gave her a hug, not wanting to let go. As tears rolled down my face and onto my child, Peyton quietly whispered back, “Heaven.”
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Brenda brown says
that’s just so adorable and angles lookiking down on you all Peyton is so sweet and beautiful God will give you strength more and more everyday and help you all they will always be in your hearts and minds and never forgotten and looking down on you all and with you God bless
Hi Peyton! You are so sweet and thank you Stacey for sharing this sweet sweet story. It made me teary and have a lump in my throat also. Blessings to you all!
Jan Settles says
Heartbreakingly, achingly, lovingly, beautiful.
Mabel Malone-Martin says
So sorry for your loss. Peyton is a precious little angel. The way you handled this telling Peyton “Abby is sleeping in Heaven” is so beautiful. You are one awesome Mom, love reading your blog. Take care and God Bless.
Jennifer Landgraf says
Such a crash of beauty and brutal…but of course you turn it into a positively love filled moment. Sending you and that sweet smartypants of yours all my love!
Joni Hansen says
That was a perfect answer. Bother Parker and Abby will always be watching over your family. And with proud and loving smiles.
Mary Linda Hall Graham says
I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug and just hold you for a while. Loss is so hard.
Kara Reber says
They are her Special Angels watching over her.
Hugs to you all. Parker and Abby will never have to know confusion, heartache, or struggle. At least Peyton has you at her side when she has her struggles.
Great memories are made with Peyton. When time comes I am sure she will have plenty questions and will understand that it was Gods will to take them back…. Take care. Thanks for this beautiful blog.
Dee Stewart says
Hi Payton!! You have your very own Angels, GOD BLESS YOU MOMMIE YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!
Oh my, Stacy! This may well be the MOST heart-warming, yet heart-rendering post of all. To realize that your miracle daughter is still so attached to her is ter and brother n Heaven, has left me in happy, gasping sobs. God is just so POWERFULLY GOOD!!!
this post brought tears to my eyes love the beautiful shadow boxes and when the time comes you will be able to tell her the story maybe with tears but with love thanks for sharing things like this with us all
Jill Toedt says
I am in tears. That is so neat how she shares a bond with them. God Bless you and your famil!
Jenn Stillwell says
As tears fill my eyes, it makes me so happy that Peyton is excelling. She is growing into a precious young lady. Thank you for sharing these touching memories. God Bless You All <3