It’s hard to miss: the glassy eyes, the occasional blank stare. Ever since my triplets were born, I began living my life on the verge of tears.
I’ll admit it, I’m a sap. I cry at commercials, tear up at weddings and I sob every time I watch the movie, “Marley and Me”. That’s just me in a nutshell…I wear my heart on my sleeve. When my husband and I found out we were pregnant three years ago, the tears became more frequent. After years of infertility, I was moved to tears of joy. The day we were shocked with news that I was carrying triplets, also brought tears of joy. But, as the pregnancy complications piled up, those tears of happiness turned to fear. And on June 23, 2013, the tears turned to heartache, as I delivered my children more than 17 weeks premature.
The loss of a child is unbearable. In the early days after our daughter, Abigail, and son, Parker, passed away, the sobs were uncontrollable. The lump in my throat consumed my body; I felt as if my world was closing in on me. Swollen eyes became part of my daily wardrobe as I tried to stay strong for our lone survivor in the Nicu. But as the months passed, the tears subsided. I still cried every single day, but it wasn’t always the body shaking, loud wails. I remember the day vividly when I realized that I made it 24 hours without shedding a tear. It was a major moment for me, or as my therapist told me, a breakthrough. As the months passed, the grief changed. I could go a week without tears, and then suddenly regress with several days of heartache.
That’s the thing with losing a loved one–the grief doesn’t ever completely go away, it just changes. Over time, you learn how to live with the tears and you understand that something can trigger your heartache at any moment. It still happens to me more than two years later. Just this week, I found myself down in the dumps as I realized it was exactly three years ago when my husband and I found out we were pregnant with triplets. It’s a moment that is etched in my memory, a special day that I hope will stay with me forever.
As Peyton gets older and understands more, I find the tears changing. Recently, as I was putting on her socks, Peyton looked at her feet and said, “Parker”. My heart stopped as tears formed in the corner of my eyes. She then continued, “Parker feet,” as she pointed to her own. Tears rolled down my cheeks when I realized what she was saying. Peyton was talking about the footprints we have framed in her room. Three perfect little sets, one of the only keepsakes I have of all three of my children together.
I’ve come to realize that I’m not going to change. I live my life on the verge of tears and I’ve learned to embrace it. Those misty eyes are symbolic of all that I’ve been through. Some days, they are tears from heaven, a sign from my Parker and Abby. Other days, the cries are my battle wounds, a reminder that I am human and a mother of two angels. And most recently, those tears show my happiness, the joyful moments when my miracle daughter reaches an unimaginable milestone. People may wonder what’s wrong as they see my tears at work or even the grocery store, but that’s who I am…and I’m proud to wear my heart on my sleeve.
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I sit with tears in my eyes reading your blog this morning ! I’m a “crier” too! I’ve never lost a child but the thought of it brings me to tears! I have two grandsons that are such a big part of my heart that I can’t imagine losing one ….. I’ve always felt that tears are another gift from God to help us cleanse our grief or sadness. I’m sure He has given you tears of joy for every time you look at Miss Peyton and realize what a miracle He helped deliver into yours and Ryan’s arms! I love reading your blog and please know that we all love Miss P and enjoy watching her grow! Thank you Stacey for allowing us to travel on your journey and enjoy the pleasure of seeing Peyton on a weekly basis! Hang tough and know that many people are still holding you and your family close!
Beautiful article Stacey. As a mother who has lost twin sons I can tell you that I too can cry at any moment after 39 years. Those short memories are all I have of my beautiful sons. My survival was my husband and children. I knew if I was to survive I would need to be strong for them. I pray that you can find peace and comfort in knowing that your sweet angels are in the arms of our heavenly Father. I promise you that you will never forget your beautiful angels but days will become easier as time passes. May God bless you.
This is such a beautiful blog. I too had tears in my eyes, not ever loosing a child I watched my niece when she lost hers. I cry at the drop of a pin, but it’s worse now that I have went thru something very important in my life. It has made me think and thank God that I am here to enjoy my grandkids. Live for today because there may not be a tomorrow. We all love Ms Peyton and most of us have never met her except on the blog. She is like another grandchild for most of us and it’s so enjoyable to watch her grow and remember her brother and sister. God’s arms are around you and your family. Hugs to all
Proud of you we all have moments of tears you learn to take one day at a time.
Beautiful article. Thanks for sharing your life with us. You are an amazing mother and I and so inspired by you. You have helped many by wearing your heart on your sleeve. Thanks for being human. God Bless. Hi Miss Peyton!!! ❤️????????
I also am a crier. I cry at movies, other peoples losses and so on. Is not a bad thing. Loved your blog today and have a brother that lost first child. They do not ever talk about about her to me but am so sure they remember it all so well. They have 2 daughters grown now. Thanks for all the blogs. Great to hear about Peyton and her progress. She is such an amazing child to overcome and do what she has done. Hard to believe is almost 3 years. Time passes so fast.
I totally understand how grief changes! Thank you for always being unapologetically you!!
I am a crier also. Movies, books your posts and Peytons wonderful development all bring me to tears. It’s who I am and it’s not going to change, so just wear those tears as a badge of the courageous mother of 2 wonderful angels and 1 remarkable, beautiful surviving child. Many hugs and prayers.
I love reading ur blogs
You are amazing
Jane
I would tear up also if I lost to precious baby like you I also am some one who can cry easy so guess I ware my feelings on my sleeve also. I have never lost children but I lost a brother 12 years ago in an explosion at the Formcia plant in Illiopolis he was burned very badly and lived 14 days in the burn unit and I was their every day and yes I shed lots of tears in the begin and still do some if I get to thinking about him or our birthdays as he was almost borned on my 7th birthday so am March 1 and he was March 2. Don’t you feel bad about your tears cause God give us feelings and if tears are part of that then so be it. God will make you stronger, but never take your hurt from your heart.
I can’t imagine the heartbreak of losing two yet the joy of your survivor, Peyton. I teared up just reading this post and I love the reminder that it’s ok to cry. Sometimes our society shuns that and its a good reminder. Hugs to you as you continue on this journey and kudos to you as you teach your daughter about the two you lost.
Beautiful yet heartbreaking post. Glad you’ve got Peyton by your side (Hi Peyton!) to help you through tough times.
What a sweet story of Peyton speaking of Parker’s feet!
While I have not lost a child, people close to me have. And I get a lump in my throat when I think of them. So I cannot image it from a mother’s perspective. Blessings to you!
Oh my goodness, I cannot even imagine. Thank you for putting yourself out there. Peyton is so cute, and such a huge blessing.
Thank you for sharing your story. I too have lost a child, yet not in the same context of them having died. My heart goes out to you and I am glad that you have found some semblance of peace
My daughter lost her second child, Connor, when she was 8 months along with him. He all of a sudden died inside of her. She never really received an explanation as to why but does it really matter? It won’t bring him back, he’s her angel in heaven. I have marveled at her resilience and admire the woman she is today after an awful event of losing her child. She already had Kylie. And it took her a few years to get pregnant again with Bella. She was nervous her whole pregnancy with Bella, and maybe a little scared. I don’t ever see her tears over Connor, but I’m sure she has them. How could you not?
Peyton is beautiful and I’m sure she will grow up to be just like her mom. Huge hugs to you and your hubs. And hi Peyton! 🙂