As I laid in the ICU, recovering from my near death experience, a nurse walked in from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. She smiled as she asked, “Are you going to name your children?” My babies were now two days old, and up until then, my triplets had been known as “Baby A”, “Baby B” and “Baby C”. Born more than 17 weeks premature, my husband and I didn’t have names picked out. How were we going to name our “Baby A”, who had already died? It’s a challenge we never expected to be facing.
It’s not uncommon for parents to wait until they see their baby to choose the perfect name. It makes sense–this is their identity; what they will be known as for their entire life. But that wasn’t our case. My husband and I had barely talked names, other than joking about the fact that we needed six names, three first and three middle. The truth is, we were scared. After almost losing our triplets at 18 weeks gestation, we began to hold our breath. Instead of painting the nursery and picking out linens, we were counting down the weeks until our children would be considered viable by hospital standards. That didn’t happen as our children were born at 22 weeks, 6 days. But, our doctors gave the triplets a chance and each one was born alive.
Unfortunately, within two hours of her arrival, our first born, Abigail, passed away in our arms. Faced with grief and shock, we were numb. Naming our children was last thing on our minds.
As we learned on day three, the Nicu nurses took a liking to our one pound children, giving them nicknames all with the letter “H”. That’s when it clicked; we couldn’t put it off any longer. I had only met our children briefly on day three when I was wheeled up to the Nicu for the first time. Though, deep down I knew, it was time to name our children. As I sat in my ICU bed with a dozen wires and IV’s dangling from my frail body, my husband and I began to brainstorm. I turned on my phone where I kept a list of names that I jotted down over the years. Peyton and Parker were always my favorites, and luckily, my husband agreed. That was the easy part…Peyton and Parker were alive.
Several floors below, in the hospital morgue, was our peaceful angel, only known as “Baby A”. It’s hard to admit, but I was hesitant about picking her name. What if none of our children survived? What if I wasted a name? How was I supposed to name a child that I only looked at for a few hours and whose eyes were fused shut? It’s hard to look back at nearly three years later, but at the time, I didn’t realize the importance of a name. We always thought Abigail had a beautiful ring to it. We went with our gut and I am so thankful we did.
Here’s what I didn’t realize years ago: it’s not the name that’s important, it’s the person behind it. Your name is your identity, but it’s how you live your life with that name, that becomes your legacy. When we named our children, there was no rhyme or reason. We didn’t name them after family members or for symbolic reasons, they were simply names we fell in love with. After Abby died, followed by Parker two months later, I wasn’t sure when I would hear their names. Some people get uncomfortable talking about death, especially the death of a child. I didn’t expect to hear their names, except from friends and family.
Looking back, I never imagined what would transpire over the years. I hear all three of my children’s names every single day. Sometimes it’s me talking about them, other times it’s a friend or supporter sharing their name through an email or in conversation. But, it’s the voice of my surviving triplet, Peyton, softly saying Abby and Parker’s names that touches me the most. All the fear that my angels would be forgotten is long gone. Abby and Parker are two babies who spent only a short time here on earth, but their legacy will last a lifetime. And my precious daughter, Peyton, embodies all three of them; a powerful young girl who has already made a big impact around the world.
My tears are flowing as I read your blog this morning. May God continue to hold you, Ryan and Miss P close and continue to Bless you all!
Oh my Word. YES Tears and lots of hugs to you and your Husband. My Husband and I lost our oldest baby girl 10 years ago to SIDS and although we are blessed with 4 other kids (our boys are 17 and 13 and our girls are 9 and 2) there is not a day that goes by that Anjie isn’t mentioned because regardless of the time that has passed she is part of us of our family of what makes our Love grow. Our youngest was born at 27 wks and I remember saying Anjie just watch over Isabel as I would leave the NICU ea night and I really felt as if nudged Isy on to be strong for Mama just as she did for Gabi (our other daughter) I feel so blessed to have been able to be Anjelique’s mom and through the tears have come smiles because I know I have grown so much and am a totally different person because of the impact of such a small little being. HUGS & Blessings!
Oh, what a difficult decision for you to have to make …(Side note: that wooden sign with all of their names is beautiful, what a great tribute!)
Wow Stacey, what an incredible, touching story. What precious babies. Parker and Abigail are perfect names! Hey Peyton! You sure are a cutie!
Such a beautiful post. Sweet Peyton is making her siblings so proud.
I’ve never had to deal with losing a child, and so I can not begin to imagine what that must be like. I am sorry for your loss, and rejoice at your gift of Peyton. What beautiful names your children have.
Hey Peyton! Thank you for sharing your story and your journey. I have been an NICU nurse for 36 years. Today at work we had our annual “Skills Day”. My presentation was a short inservice about Bereavement Support and creating lasting memories for our NICU parents. I have no children of my own but I feel a passion to make sure that no baby born in our NICU is ever forgotten. Thank you for sharing how important it is to acknowledge these tiny lives and find meaning from their brief time here on earth.
My first (and only so far) child came without warning at 24 weeks 6 days in Aug 2012. After 4 1/2 months living in the NICU and not knowing what would happen we brought our daughter home and she is now a happy, healthy 3 1/2 yr old. I was forever touched by a family who came to the NICU shortly after us and lost their son shortly after his premature birth. I find I cannot think of the miracle of bringing our daughter home without thinking of those who do not get to. Bless your family.
P.S. our daughter was 1 lb 9 oz at birth and your photos brought back a lot of memories. I’m so glad you got pictures of each of your children so you can always remember.
Thank you for this story and you did chose wonderful names for all three God bless you always and thanks for sharing things about Peyton with us.
Hi peyton. Absolutely beautiful girl. So happy u r here. U hve ur own two precious angels watching u. Anigail and parker. My precious little boy ethan will b watching too. Much love xxx???? sonia