It’s been over three years since two of my children took their last breath, 38 months since I rocked my son for the very last time. It’s been more than 1,200 days since I delivered my first triplet, only two hours of memories with her alive. Even though it’s been years since I was faced with the loss of my children, the grief is still present. There are some days when a picture or memory will trigger the tears. Then there are days when the grief creeps up unexpectedly, taking a surprise grasp on my heart and soul. I used to be ashamed and embarrassed that the grief is still so raw. Concerned looks from others made me wonder if something was wrong with me. But, the more time that passes, the more I realize that it’s normal. Grief is not one size fits all.
The summer of 2013 was filled with beautiful moments of hope, mixed with shattered dreams and heartache. Within two months of delivering my triplets, two of my children passed away. As I tried to remain strong and put on a smile for our lone survivor in the Nicu, I was secretly broken. This was our first pregnancy and these triplets were our only children. I didn’t know that a loss could be so excruciating. A few months after my two children passed, I expressed my concern to my therapist: Why was I so lost and broken even months after Parker and Abby died? She reminded me that grief never goes away, it only changes over time. It was a simple comment that was comforting and reassured me that I was normal.
As the years passed by, I learned how to manage my grief. I surrounded myself with supportive friends and family, people who weren’t alarmed when the random tears rolled down my face. But, my grief is still put in to question on occasion…and it breaks my heart. I’ve heard it all in the past three years: “At least you had time with your children, even though it was short.” “Try not to dwell on your loss, you are lucky to have a survivor.” “You can try for more children.” The list goes on. While I know these comments come from a good place, it can be heartbreaking for those of us with children in heaven. There is no expiration date on grief. I will never stop loving my living child, Peyton, so I will never stop loving and grieving her two siblings who died.
Much like we all grieve differently, there is no one experience that is the same. The length of a child’s life does not determine the size of the loss. It shouldn’t matter whether you carried a child for 12 weeks or full term; each parent is going to mourn the loss in their own way. Children are supposed to outlive their parents, yet so many families face the daunting and unimaginable task of burying their child. It’s no wonder that grief can last a lifetime.
There is a stigma in our society that we shouldn’t talk about our children who have died. Maybe it makes other people uncomfortable or maybe people don’t truly understand unless they, too, experience a pregnancy or child loss. Over time, I’ve noticed friends distance themselves from me or casually “un-friend” me on social media. I’m okay with that. My surviving triplet Peyton is my shining light, but I’m never going to forget Parker and Abby and I will never stop saying their names. Grief is not one size fits all, so there’s no need to fix me. I’m not damaged, I’m simply human and my heart if full of love for children both here on earth and in heaven.
time files by they will never be forgotten gods little angles looking down on you everyday
Honestly, at first when I read the word “grief” I noticed myself start to shift in my skin. Then when I read that it was in reference to loss of children I thought, “Can I really go THERE and read this?” Of course I did, because I admire the strength in people’s ability to share their story with others like you have chosen to. I can’t look away from that. It draws me in. It is much stronger than my desire to avoid the feelings and thoughts that surround the word GRIEF. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope knowing that I have that courage within me as well. What amazing angels you have:)
Never be ashamed at letting your grief show. Know that you are not alone, and that many of us face similiar situations with our grief. I am so sorry that you lost have lost friends, you are such an amazing, strong woman.
Such a beautiful read. Couldn’t be more thankful to you for sharing it, and I can only imagine how hard it was. 3 years ago my lovely sister-in-law lost her wee son 7 hours after he was born. A terrible disease took him away from their arms but he was safely brought to Heaven. Not a day goes by that they don’t miss him and my heart breaks for her every time. They have 2 other children now, both girls very often speak about their little brother. They are a happy Godly family who believes that one day they will be reunited with their little boy and that hope is immense <3
xox Nadia
http://www.mielandmint.com
Beautifully said, and I so agree; grief, trials, pain, hardships… they all look different to different people but it doesn’t make it any less real or powerful. Thank you for your words.
I am very sorry for your losses, and that your a re a strong mama for sharing this story. Hugs for you and praying for you. It is okay to grieve. They will always be apart of you no matter what.
My baby would have turned 27 yesterday. Thank you for sharing your babies with all of us… for sharing your grief.
When I had my baby, at 24 weeks, I was told to forget about it, it wasn’t a baby, it was a miscarriage. (This was in 1989.)
Things have changed quite a lot since then, in allowing us to honor our teensy ones. It’s the people like you, who have the courage to give grief a voice,, who have made the change possible.