Pregnancy isn’t easy. While it may be exciting and blissful for some, that pregnancy “glow” fades for those of us who have experienced premature birth or child loss. In the midst of the pregnancy excitement, we’re faced with fear and anxiety. This is the reality of a high-risk pregnancy.
It’s giving yourself painful shots, knowing you would do anything to help your chances of staying pregnant.
It’s counting down the days to your next appointment, wondering if the baby still has a heartbeat. It’s having your doctor’s cell phone number, knowing you can call her even if you just need peace of mind.
It’s keeping our pregnancy a secret. It’s waiting months to tell family and friends, wondering if this pregnancy is too good to be true.
It’s lying away in the middle of the night, your heart racing, wondering what might go wrong this time around. It’s flashbacks to your previous pregnancy, when hope turned to heartache in a flash.
It’s hoping you can make to your third trimester. It’s getting excited to make it to the gestational diabetes test.
It’s being jealous of other women experiencing a perfect pregnancy, something you wish you had the first time around.
It’s constant doctor appointments, tests, hospital visits and more appointments. It’s seeing a therapist regularly, knowing that this pregnancy can trigger a wide range of emotions.
It’s sobbing over the children you lost, even as a healthy baby is tucked tightly in your womb. A new baby will never replace the ones you lost.
It’s analyzing and freaking out with every ultrasound, wondering if this is a cruel joke or if you will actually bring home a healthy child.
It’s allowing us to feel fear of the future, heartache and anxiety, but also finding hope. It’s knowing that you’re not alone, that others have bravely walked a similar path with many of the same emotions and hesitations.
It’s finding joy as you feel your baby kick. It’s smiling with your spouse and you discuss baby names. It’s allowing yourself to be happy, to dream that you will eventually hold your healthy child in your arms.
It’s takes a lot of strength to go through a pregnancy after losing a child or delivering prematurely. But in the end, it’s worth all the tears, the anxiety and the fear, knowing this time could be different. We deserve a happy ending after weathering the difficult storm.