Don’t dwell on your past.
It’s a comment that left me in tears recently. My heart sank as I sat on my couch, my hands cradling my unborn child nestled within me. As a woman who is pregnant again after losing two children, there are certain comments that make my heart hurt. I know most people mean well, but for those of us who experienced a traumatic birth or the loss of a child, it stings.
Don’t dwell on your past.
While it may be meant as an attempt to comfort me, it actually brings out deep pain. I am a mother who held two of my children as they passed away in my arms, all within two months of life. Being told not to dwell feels like someone is telling me to move on, to forget my children. Yes, I am pregnant with a miracle baby girl, but she will never replace my two children who died. I am a mother to four–Two children in heaven, a surviving triplet and one rainbow baby on the way.
Everything will be fine. This time is different.
That’s another comment that makes me cringe. I know it comes out of love, but it doesn’t matter how long I stay pregnant, the fear doesn’t go away. Sure, it changes as the weeks progress, but there is no number of ultrasounds or doctor appointments that will give me peace of mind. Even after holding a healthy baby in my arms, I know that the fear and anxiety will continue. The PTSD I live with will most likely follow me home from the hospital.
Everything happens for a reason.
It’s the comment I’ve despised ever since my triplets were born. I questioned my faith after my children died and had a hard time when people told me, “They are in a better place”. I would give anything to have them in my arms, not in Heaven. The same goes for pregnancy after loss. For mothers like me, we breathe a little sigh of relief with each passing day. But we also stay cautiously optimistic, knowing that life doesn’t always go as planned.
I’ve cried a lot during this pregnancy, and even though I may be smiling and more hopeful as I near the end, the grief and fear will never fully escape me. That’s life after loss and premature birth. We know what can happen, and we do all that we have to in order to protect our heart. So what can you say to a mother like me? Simply say, “I am thinking of you”. There’s no need to come up with the perfect thing to comfort us. Sometimes a simple hug and those five words can go a long way.
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Lois Love says
Love your babies….they are a part of us Mamas forever and ever.
Prayers for you.