This picture. It’s all I have of my daughter who died. No videos, no precious pictures of her tiny feet or even a picture with her triplet siblings. For those us who have faced the unbearable experience of child loss, this is our reality. We are given tangible keepsakes; the footprints, the tiny hats and hospital bracelets. But, it’s those few memories and pictures of our children that will have to last a lifetime.
July 1st. It was on this date seven years ago when we stood together with only a few friends and family, and said a final goodbye to our daughter Abby. It was surreal, what felt like an outer body experience, as we held a memorial service for our child who we would never watch grow up. We felt too young to be sitting in a funeral home. Your children should outlive you, not the other way around.
The years may go by, but the memory will never fade. And I don’t ever want it to.
As I look at this picture, my chest tightens up, the tears give way to the floodgates of grief. In the pain and chaos of that morning, we didn’t think to take any videos. The shock of our impending loss took over and we spent our time looking at our sweet girl as we sobbed at our reality. We were first time parents and our firstborn couldn’t be saved. We snapped a few pictures and the doctor eventually called her time of death just two hours after she was born.
This picture may not be pretty, but it paints a clear picture of what life is like for parents who lose a child. This was our first “family picture” and I love the bittersweet memory. I was holding Abby during her short life, while her brother and sister were still inside the womb.
We felt so much pain that day, so much uncertainty about whether our other two children would have any chance of survival. But through the tears, there was happiness. When I look at this picture, I see so much love. I see a husband, a wife and a beautiful baby. These few pictures are the tangible memories that will last a lifetime. And as I look back at this picture, I smile through the tears. My daughter felt comfort and love during her short time on earth, and as a parent, that’s makes my heart swell with pride.